My last two blogs have focused on complaints my female patients have repeatedly voiced in sex therapy. So it’s only fair to reveal what bedroom frustrations men report.
To summarize the biggest annoyance: Women using sex as a weapon. This can include declining sex as a power play, manipulation or passive aggressive avoidance.
This doesn’t mean that a woman must always agree to sex, nor does it negate reasons for declining sex like low desire, pain with intercourse, trauma or relationship issues.
Rather, men’s frustration is related to hearing “no” to sex for no foreseeable reason other than to prove a point or avoid confrontation.
Here are two tips for preventing sexual power games:
- Be honest with yourself. Take inventory on what you’re specifically feeling about sex. Is this a long-term problem or a recent development? Are you reacting to something your partner is doing, or is it based on a thought or feeling in your head?
- Be honest with your partner. It’s not fair to either of you to avoid the problem. In fact, avoidance will only lead to bigger issues, or worse, a failed relationship.
It’s important to understand and recognize bedroom power games, individually or as a couple, and replace them with more productive and enjoyable interactions.
The second frustration men often voice in sex therapy: Their partner is an inactive participant.
One patient says, “My wife lays there like a dead fish. It makes me think I’m not effective, she’s bored or she wants me to hurry up.”
This can actually lead to a guy’s lack of confidence, a hurt ego and possibly create erection difficulties.
Ladies, here are some suggestions for being a more active bedroom participant:
- Verbalize your desires. Let him know what you like and want more of. Asserting your wants in the bedroom is a big turn on to some men.
- Initiate. Don’t wait until he initiates, rather, take charge. Leave him a note, a text or whisper in his ear your invitation for sex.
- React. Allow yourself to respond vocally, physically, emotionally and sexually. If you find yourself holding back, visit a sex therapist to explore ways to become more comfortable and expressive.
- Be creative. Treat yourself to some new lingerie or book a hotel room downtown for a romantic staycation.
Not only will some creative initiation make him happy, but it could make time in the bedroom more enjoyable for you too!