Last week I asked readers to submit their specific sex and relationship questions. Below are two that I received and my advice — both related to open marriages and affairs.
I used to be your typical semi-jealous boyfriend and husband. Now, I frequently find myself wishing my wife could be enjoyed and admired by others. I have no problem enticing a new sex partner, but she wants nothing to do with it. Why do I have such a strong desire to watch my wife have sex with another man? What should I do with my fantasy, especially since she isn’t likely to indulge it?
You’re not the only person to get aroused by voyeuristic fantasies (the act of watching other people undress or have sex).
However, acting upon and fantasizing have vastly different outcomes.
Some couples consensually decide to add people to their sexual relationship. In these situations, both people consent to an open relationship, identify boundaries, expectations and limitations, as well as maintain a continued dialogue in order to prevent jealousy.
I commend you and your wife for having great communication about such intimate topics. However, it sounds like your wife isn’t interested in an open marriage.
Therefore, enjoy the fantasy in your head and continue loving your wonderful wife. Brainstorm other intimate and romantic ways to stay close and keep things exciting while staying monogamous!
Try checking out Lou Paget’s The Great Lover’s Playbook for ideas on intimacy and love making.
I have been married 16 years. After our son was born 10 years ago, my husband hasn’t wanted sex and doesn’t look at me. About three months ago, a good friend asked to kiss me. That has led to meeting weekly for sex. His wife has also shut him off sexually for the past two years. There is only friendship feelings involved – just intimacy and just being held. Is this wrong for wanting to be held and have intercourse with a friend but not reveal it to the other halves?
It sounds like you’re trying to problem solve your sexual situation by attaining it from someone else.
If a person is unhappy with merchandize from Store A, it doesn’t work to return it to Store B. Meaning, in order to resolve the issue with Store A, you must confront the situation directly.
Both assertiveness and confrontation can be difficult since the outcome may not be desirable and could potentially lead to further rejection or the end of a marriage.
From your question, it appears that you may be minimizing the relationship you’re partaking in. You say there is only friendship, intimacy, holding and sex twice a week. If the two of you are experiencing sex, intimacy and friendship, that sounds to me like a relationship. And if this is taking place aside from a marriage, it would constitute an affair.
Ask yourself this: If either spouse found out, what would they say/do/feel?
At that moment, if you could turn back time and do something to prevent your husband from finding out and being hurt, what would that be?
What other ways could you problem solve? Are you interested in addressing the sexless marriage? Do you want to explore divorce or separation?
Regardless, you deserve happiness. Take time to figure out what you’re truly searching for then seek it out.
Next week, I’ll respond to several submitted questions that start with, “Is it sexually normal to…”